Q: I received an invitation to my cousin's wedding, whom I have not seen since I was 12 more than 30 years ago. Her mother told me five different places where she was registered.When I called the first store, I found there were items on her registry that were $300, $400, $500 and more. I encountered the same thing at the second store. Some of the less expensive items on the list didn't interest me as gifts. I finally called one of the lower-end stores and found something in my price range. I would have preferred to buy something else, but this way I know I'm giving them something they want or need. It has left me to wonder if brides today haven't become exceedingly greedy?

A: There was a time when bridal registries did not exist. The concept was first introduced in 1924 by Marshall Fields Department Store and has since spread to most stores, from Tiffany and Bloomingdale's to Target and Home Depot and almost everything in between.

In truth, however, the absolute best gift for a bride and groom is something you know they want, need or anticipate needing. The challenge becomes when you don't know what that might be.

Bridal registries are useful for those who have absolutely no idea what the new couple might prefer. They simply view the couple's registry and identify something in their price range that they would like to give.

While bridal registries are efficient, brides are guilty of sabotaging themselves and the system by exhibiting greed and asking for very expensive items, which can be a turn-off for guests. Brides these days should be very careful about what they register for as their "gift lists" are a clear reflection of themselves.

"Honeymoon registries" have also grown more popular in recent years. With the evolution of the Internet in the early 1990s, travel agencies began providing a couple's customized itinerary. Guests are invited to contribute to covering a portion of the honeymoon or a specific activity during the trip. While this may be convenient for guests and an attractive alternate to a house gift, it is viewed by some wedding guests as rude by traditional standards.

Money is still the gift of choice for most first-time wedding couples. In some cultures and religions, money is considered the only gift to give. The amount of money given is often based on how close the guest is with the happy couple and their family. My personal view on money gifts is that it places a specific dollar amount on the thought, the gesture and the friendship.

Q: I have been invited to my friend's wedding shower. When I called to respond that I was coming, I asked the mother of the bride for some gift suggestions. She told me she was asking for "donations" for the couple's honeymoon cruise. Maybe it's me, but I think this is way out of line. What is the norm today?

A: Bridal showers often have a theme, with gifts focusing on a certain area, such as the kitchen, the bath, bedroom or outdoors. But for a mother of the bride to actually ask for "donations" - for anything for a shower - is wholly inappropriate. However, a mother of the bride might suggest to those who ask that the option exists for guests to "contribute" to the couple's cruise, which is altogether different and acceptable.

nnn

Judy Bowman is the president of Protocol Consultants International, providing etiquette training to corporate executives. Etiquette questions may be submitted to Everyday Etiquette, c/o Essex County Newspapers, 32 Dunham Road, Beverly, MA 01915.