Q: There was a terrible accident outside our home that claimed the lives of four young people. Their friends and family have erected a shrine of sorts in their memory right at the corner of our driveway. It is difficult enough for us to deal with the fact that four young adults died in front of our house, and while we understand and respect the significance of their loss to their loved ones, strangers regularly congregate and mourn at this memorial at their leisure. We live with this 24 hours a day. Are we out of line in asking to have this memorial taken down?
A: There are no hard and fast answers here. A tragedy has occurred in front of your home that can never be reversed or erased.
You are sensitive to the fact that someone's children died in front of your home and the reasons why the shrine was erected. The shrines are a reminder to others that driving recklessly, particularly on treacherous roads, can be deadly. But it must be acknowledged that these shrines themselves are dangerous because mourners visiting these accident scenes are distracting other cars and creating yet another potentially hazardous situation. In addition, while friends, relatives and others who are paying their respects may visit the site occasionally, the shrine represents a constant reminder of the tragedy for you.
There are other traditional ways to pay respects to the deceased and honor their memory, such as visiting the cemetery or the grieving family. Revisiting a treacherous death site can only serve to exacerbate an already hazardous situation and perpetuate horrible memories. I advocate placing a time limit of 30 to 60 days for these shrines to remain up, working closely with local authorities to coordinate their removal. Aside from speaking with local officials, I would suggest moving if this shrine becomes too much for you to endure.
Q: What is the best way to hold a knife - resting the utensil on the "v" between the thumb and index finger or with your hand on top of the handle and fingers wrapped underneath?
A: Everyone dines out and wants to know the best places to eat and the signature dish, to try. However, few individuals consider how to properly eat and even how to hold a fork and knife.
There is only one way to hold a fork and knife, and it is appropriate for both the American and Continental styles of dining. Here's a quick review of each:
American style of dining: Hold the fork in your left hand, knife in the right hand. Cut your food, then rest the knife with the serrated edge facing you, not the glasses, along the upper right of your plate. Then, switch the fork from your left to your right hand, with the tines facing up. Swoop, rather than stab food onto your fork. Keep your left hand in your lap while eating.
Continental style of dining: Hold the fork in the left hand, knife in the right hand. Cut your food, then hold your knife in your right hand, resting your forearm instead of your elbow along the edge of the table. Leave the fork in your left hand, tines facing down, and then stab the food with your fork. You can use the knife to help maneuver and balance food onto the tines. You will need to practice, but I believe you will find that eating Continental style is actually easier and more efficient.
Having an awareness that there is a difference between the American and Continental styles of dining is significant. There are no rules regarding which style to use while dining. However, utilizing both styles and switching during the course of eating is considered quite chic.
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Judy Bowman is the president of Protocol Consultants International, providing etiquette training to corporate executives. Etiquette questions may be submitted to Everyday Etiquette, c/o Essex County Newspapers, 32 Dunham Road, Beverly, MA 01915.
