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January 21, 2008

Having the last word: Book helps readers plan their own funerals

By Alan Burke , Staff writer

MARBLEHEAD - It's your funeral. And if you want to party, why shouldn't you?

That's the novel approach Betty Breuhaus, 59, is offering in her first book, "When the Sun Goes Down: A Serendipitous Guide to Planning Your Own Funeral."

"I really love parties," she explained. "I love having all the people I care about around me." Funerals, on the other hand, are often solemn affairs presided over by priests, ministers or rabbis who never even knew the person in the casket.

Which made Breuhaus think that the last chance she'd have to celebrate her life would be at her funeral. She began to imagine friends and family gathered about, perhaps enjoying a little cheer. Of course, there'd be services at the Old North Church in Marblehead.

"Then I have it all figured. I always have a hot dog machine and a popcorn machine." As a last gesture, her ashes would be spread at Doliber's Cove.

Only, how to make it happen? Breuhaus saw a tangle of laws and customs and quickly realized why so few people take control of this final ritual.

"It's a real gift to plan a funeral," she said.

Further, most people know nothing about funerals and avoid the subject of death completely.

"Americans more than any people in the world deny death," she said.

But in an era when millions of baby boomers are now recognizing their own mortality, Breuhaus saw the value in a book telling a generation that often rejected convention how to go out on their own terms.

"They've written their own wedding vows," she noted. "They're going to want to plan their own funerals."

Moreover, the advice applies whether they want a party, a more traditional observance or anything in between.

Breuhaus did the research, interviewing funeral directors and religious figures. The result is a guide that covers everything from picking a funeral home, to weighing differing philosophies regarding death, to choosing an epitaph.

"She always said her feet were killing her," reads a sample in the book.

Clearly, it's not a grim book.

"I put a positive spin on it," Breuhaus says. "And that's really the way it should be. ... It turned out to be really fun. Upbeat. Very readable."

Breuhaus insists that planning your own funeral, even thinking about it far ahead of time, can have vastly positive side effects.



"It kind of gives you a fresh look at your life. ... If your family is important to you it reminds you to spend time with them," she said.

Born in Michigan, Breuhaus studied pre-law, only to abandon the courtroom for a career as a retailer. For many years, she owned the Marblehead Kite Co.

In addition, she is married with five children and stepchildren. Despite a few magazine articles on travel, she never before considered herself a writer.

The book, which can be found at local bookstores or online, is already selling briskly, Breuhaus reports. Moreover, she has been asked to speak before funeral directors at conventions as far away as Las Vegas. They have been a major market for the book.

"It's not anti-funeral home at all," she stressed. Nor is it either secular or religious.

The fact is, it can be helpful regardless of the kind of send-off you're hoping for.

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Having the last word: Book helps readers plan their own funerals
by By Alan Burke , Staff writer , , Mon Jan 21, 2008, 10:29 AM EST
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