Q: We are stumped about what to get our mailman for Christmas. In my neighborhood, some folks give their carriers bottles of wine, but ours for some reason rings our door bell and passes those gifted bottles on to us that others have given to him.
When I finally asked him, it turns out he is a teetotaler. I was thinking about getting him a certificate to the bookstore since I have seen him sitting there passing the time away reading, but my husband assures me he must have plenty to read already. I am considering a certificate to a restaurant, though I really have no idea of the types of food he likes.
I guess we could give him money again this year, but something about it just doesn't sit right with me. I guess I just don't like the idea of only being limited to giving cash. And even if we do give cash, how much is enough anyway?
A: Unless your husband is willing to take over the gift-giving responsibilities, acknowledge his input and then ignore him. You already have a great idea. If you see your mailman at a local bookstore, then yes, a gift certificate for that particular store is a perfect gift. Go with it!
Do be aware, according to the U.S. Postal Service Web site's page on "Gifts From Outside Sources," the postal workers are not allowed to accept cash, ever. They are allowed to accepted gifts up to a $20 value. So, do keep the USPS Ethics Code in mind as you choose a gift for your mailman.
Q: I live on a very busy street in Salem. How can I make sure the garbage men get the tip and not someone driving by? I never seem to be home when they come by on their route.
A: It is so nice of you to remember those who make your life better, especially when you are rarely in face-to-face contact with them!
In the City of Salem, the garbage collectors are not city employees and therefore can be tipped. The current contract is with Northside Carting. Call the office to find out the names of your garbage guys and gals.
You have a few options. You can send their tip to the office as a check made out to each individual enclosed in a holiday card. Or you can ask where they start their route and meet them at the beginning of the run before you start your day. Or you can have a gift basket (think cookies, fruit, etc.) sent for them to share.
Q: This year my budget is very tight and I am worried about all of this end of year tipping. Can I skip the tip this year? When adding up all of the people I should be tipping, the amount can be quite high. Do I need to tip everyone?
A: If you have had a major shift in your economic status, such as you've lost your job, lost your home, are suddenly financially responsible for ailing parents, then, if you truly do not have any money in your bank account, you must adjust your holiday tipping.
If you are not tipping, you should still put forth an effort so that your service providers know you appreciate them and that you have not just forgotten. Do send cards, express well wishes, and include what you can. For this year, you might want to think about a token gift such as a small box of chocolates or homemade cookies.
If you have more time than money, a thoughtful letter of recommendation the service provider can use going forward is also useful. Do be aware that for anyone whose services you use all year long, you should be budgeting end-of-year tips.
Think about everyone who makes your life easier, and if they should be tipped.
Typical service providers to tip include: baby-sitters, custodian, doorman, handyman, building superintendent, parking attendant, house cleaners, dog walker, garbage person, regular delivery person, lawn/snow crew, newspaper deliverer, hairstylist, shampoo person, manicurist and masseuse.
If you find that end of year tipping is putting a strain on your budget you should first consider your lifestyle and the number of services you require during the year.
Tipping should never require you to overextend yourself financially.
Q: Is it appropriate for me to let family members know that my children would rather have cash this year and not a toy from the dollar bin? I have family who puts absolutely no thought into their gift giving. Their goal is to clearly give the least expensive gift possible. Most of the items they have given my children over the past few years have obviously come from the bargain bin. Even one or two bucks is better, in my opinion, than what they have given in the past.
A: Etiquette walks a very fine line here. If your family members ask, then you may suggest some low-cost items your children would want, or gently mention that your kids are now of an age that they relish the chance to spend their "own" money at the store. With a bit of luck, your relatives may get the hint.
But there are other factors at play. It could be that these relatives would prefer not to give gifts at all. You might also want to release them from any perceived obligation. "You know, my children are just so lucky and receive so many gifts. This year, when you come for the holidays, please just bring yourselves!" And see what happens.
Lastly, part of being polite is to be thankful for being given a gift, whether it is from the dollar bin or a pair of socks. As a parent, this is a perfect teachable moment. Speak with your children in advance about the spirit of the holiday, the importance of family, and how not to hurt someone else's feelings. Then have your kids practice their Oscar winning "Wow — this is great!" in advance. This is truly a skill that will serve them well later in life.
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Jodi R.R. Smith is a nationally known etiquette expert and author. She is the president of Mannersmith Etiquette Consulting. You are invited to e-mail her your etiquette emergencies at Salem@Mannersmith.com.
