SalemNews.com, Salem, MA

Lifestyle

April 7, 2014

Dear Abby: Mother who lost baby wants to find right words for grief

Dear Abby: My 1-year-old baby recently passed away. I have two other children, one with special needs. I find it irritating and not at all comforting when people tell me that “at least I have other children and that I should concentrate on them.”

How can I politely tell them that I have never stopped taking care of my other children and that nothing eases the pain of burying your child?

Mourning My Baby In Puerto Rico

Dear Mourning: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the loss of your child. My heart goes out to you.

While I can imagine that you might be tempted to lash out at these insensitive individuals, I hope you realize their comments are made out of ignorance. Sometimes, it isn’t what you say as much as how you say it. In a case like this, exactly what you have written to me would be an appropriate response as long as it is said calmly and without anger.

Dear Abby: My daughter was married for eight years before divorcing her cheating husband. They have two children. When my daughter found out about the affair, she was inconsolable. The girlfriend actually phoned her and said, “Why are you so upset? Everyone cheats!”

Now, two years later, the girlfriend is pregnant. My daughter would like a paternity test done before the kids are introduced to this new child. She thinks it would be harmful if they are introduced to a new half-sibling who may later prove to belong to another man. (“Everyone cheats?”)

What do you think about this? Is it wrong for my daughter to want proof that this is her ex’s baby? He feels certain he’s the father, but he also knows the other woman has kept in touch with her ex-boyfriend.

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