Q: A neighbor whom I really enjoy stopped by last week to chat. We caught up on town politics and what our children are doing for the summer. She has one son in college, and the other just graduated from high school. At the end of the conversation, she mentioned something about selling her house, since she was rattling around in it. At the time, I thought she was referring to the fact that in the fall both kids will be in college. But now that I had a chance to think, I realize I have not seen the husband around lately. I am wondering if she was hinting that she is separated or divorced. I am at a bit of a loss as to whether I should call to ask or maybe ask around to see if anyone else has heard anything.
A: It is best not to ask around regarding the status of her marriage, as your inquiries could cause rumors. Better to check in with your neighbor directly. In person is best, but a call works if you will not be bumping into her anytime soon. "Suzie, it was great to see you last week. You mentioned in passing that you were rattling around in the house with the kids gone. Are you and Bob really thinking about moving to a condo?" Then stop speaking. This is her opportunity to tell you about any separation, if that is the case. After all, Bob could just be on an extended business trip and she may just be having a bout of empty-nest syndrome.
Q: My parents have a pool in their backyard. My tween daughter asked them if, for her birthday party this year, she could have a pool party at their house. We will be bringing all of the food and supplies. We will also be cleaning up afterward. The date was set and the invitations issued. Then, my mom mentioned that my nephew (who is two years older than my daughter) asked if he could bring over a friend to crash my daughter's party. My mother, for some reason, thought this would be a great idea. My daughter is furious with her cousin and really upset with her grandmother. My mother doesn't see what the big deal is and keeps insisting that it is her pool, she can invite whomever she pleases.
A: Of course it is your mother's pool and she can invite guests, unless she has already made a commitment to allow the pool to be used for another purpose. Since your mother gave your daughter permission to use the pool for a birthday party, the privilege of creating the guest list is now your daughter's, not your mother's. Since your daughter's objections have been ignored, you must try another avenue. Either you will need to speak with your nephew's parents directly or your daughter will need to reason with her cousin. If he insists on crashing, he must participate in any party games your daughter sees fit. That should be enough to scare him away.
Q: What to do? I handmade a cross-stitch birth announcement for my niece (Beatrix Potter to match her room) and then had it framed. I sent it via UPS and gave them a heads-up that it was coming. I have not heard anything from them as to whether they have received it or if they liked it. I am curious why they have not acknowledged a gift that I put a lot of time, effort and money into. What should I do? Wait patiently for a thank-you note in the mail that may never come? Call and ask if they received it? Any advice you can offer on this would be helpful. I love making things for my friends and family, but if they continue to go unappreciated, then I don't want to waste my time. Do people still like handmade gifts?
A: What a thoughtful gift! With new babies, it is best to presume the new mother is both overtired and overwhelmed. I recommend calling in the late afternoon or early evening. Ask how everyone is doing and then casually ask if they received a package from you, because you wanted to make sure it arrived safely. Then be quiet and listen to what they say.
As for people still liking handmade gifts, it is not so much a matter of the times as a matter of taste. There are those of us who love handmade gifts. And there are some who prefer the sleek, the modern, the sterile.
If you have a chance to see someone's home in advance, you should have an idea about his/her taste and then decide accordingly.
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Jodi R.R. Smith is a nationally known etiquette expert and author. She is the president of Mannersmith Etiquette Consulting. You are invited to e-mail her your etiquette emergencies at Salem@Mannersmith.com.
