The Mannersmith
Q: A good friend of mine is watching her calories. We were having lunch together when another friend brought over some chocolate to share. When my friend put a piece of chocolate into her mouth, she chewed it once and spit it into her napkin. It was disgusting. When she looked up and saw our faces, she realized she had offended us. She explained that she did not want to waste the calories, as if that excused her bad behavior. Is it suddenly acceptable for adults to spit out food if they are on a diet?
A: While it is lovely that your friend feels comfortable with you, she crossed the line. Her diet is secondary to her manners. If the chocolate was unworthy of swallowing, she needed to excuse herself from the table and do the spitting elsewhere. One of the unbendable gracious dining guidelines is to get through the meal without grossing anyone else out. Perhaps, since she is a good friend, you can speak with her and come to an agreement. For treats and sweets, you should taste them first and decide if they are worthy of her palate and calorie count. If they pass your taste test, then they can pass her lips.
Q: We just received a beautiful wedding invitation. We are friends of the groom's mother. When I called to wish my friend congratulations, she told me that some of her relatives are upset that the invitation did not include her and her late husband's names. I told her that my research shows the groom's parents' names are only used when it's a joint invitation. Am I right?
A: Yes, you are correct. An invitation is issued by those hosting the event. For this particular wedding, if the bride's parents are hosting, their names are listed on the invitation. Additionally, only in Hispanic cultures are names of deceased parents included. When this is the case, a small religious symbol is placed immediately following the name. The bigger question here is why the relatives of the groom's parents are more concerned with stirring up trouble about the invitation wording than focusing on this very happy occasion.
Q: On the playground today, I saw one of the baby sitters making out with her boyfriend. I know the family, not well, but our paths have crossed during activities and they live around our neighborhood. The baby sitter was not paying attention at all to the two kids (a toddler and a 4-year-old). My husband says to stay out of it, but I would want to know if our sitter was ignoring our kids and canoodling with her boyfriend.
A: This is a fine line that you will need to walk carefully. Without knowing of any special circumstances (such as the boyfriend is shipping out overseas and this was his last day and the family needed the baby sitter), you can presume the family is not paying this baby sitter to ignore the children, but you do not want to cause alarm. If the family was close, then you would call to report. Since you are not as close with this family, you should wait to see if it happens again. If you see the baby sitter a second time with the boyfriend, you can walk up and chattily introduce yourself. Explain that your kids know this family's kids. That introduction alone should be enough to put her on warning to behave.
If she continues to pay more attention to the boyfriend than the kids, then you really do need to say something to the family. After all, if your baby sitter was constantly distracted, you would want to know, too. In a conversation with the family (perhaps to arrange a play date), mention you saw the baby sitter and boyfriend on the playground. A passing comment such as "You are much nicer than I am; we have a strict no-friends rule when we are paying our sitters" should be all you need to say.
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Jodi R.R. Smith is a nationally known etiquette expert and author. She is the president of Mannersmith Etiquette Consulting. You are invited to e-mail her your etiquette emergencies at Salem@Mannersmith.com.
