The Mannersmith
Q: My children won a contest at school for bringing in the most box tops. The prize was a gift certificate to a local toy store. Now it is not as if we really "need" the toys, but my kids worked really hard to collect the box tops. They asked friends, family and neighbors regularly to make sure all cereal boxes were checked. The woman at the school who coordinated the drive has yet to deliver on the promised prize. I have run into her twice and did ask about the gift certificate, but she still has not given it to the kids. I guess I could cover the cost of the prize myself. What should I do?
A: Let's give this overextended volunteer the benefit of the doubt. She probably remembers every time she sees you and then forgets as she races to do the next thousand things on her to-do list. Make it easy for her. Tonight, after dinner, prepare an e-mail with something such as "Vicki, just a quick note to follow up on the box tops certificate. I will call you to connect." Then send the e-mail and call her. "Vicki, hello, I am so sorry to bother you about this, it may not seem like a big deal to you, but my two little boys were so excited about winning the contest, and they keep asking about the certificate. When can I swing by to pick it up?" Now she has had two very tangible, yet polite, reminders, and the ball is in her court.
Q: A gentleman I know professionally just lost his grandmother. He has mentioned her many times during our meetings, and I know they were close. I would like to send him a card but wonder if it is proper to send a sympathy card to a workplace if I don't have the person's home address.
A: Yes, in this day and age, boundaries between our professional lives and our personal lives are quite important. If all of your contacts with this man have been professional and through your offices, then, yes, it is perfectly acceptable to send condolence cards to his office address. If you lived in the same town and knew each other both personally and professionally, then you could send a card to his home.
Q: It has happened again, only this time in verse! A wedding invitation arrived along with a little poem that read, in part, "a gift of a check is placed in a card, then card in the chest will not be hard," referring to a treasure chest in which to deposit the checks. I was horrified, both by the sophomoric structure of the rhyming verse but also that the bride and groom felt this appropriate. It is a recession, for heaven's sake! I feel as if they are trying to extort money from us. For a variety of reasons, we will be attending the wedding. Am I obligated to make a donation or may I choose a gift within my price range?
A: As I have written before and will write again, invitations are not invoices. When guests are invited to a celebration, it is up to the guest to decide what type of gift to give and what to spend. Wedding registries are created for those guests who would like ideas and suggestions, but purchasing from a registry is never obligatory.
Additionally, it is poor form to demand money from one's guests. If this poem was part of the invitation, I can only imagine what the actual event will hold. My guess is that you are in for a wedding full of surprises!
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Jodi R.R. Smith is a nationally known etiquette expert and author. She is the president of Mannersmith Etiquette Consulting. You are invited to e-mail her your etiquette emergencies at Salem@Mannersmith.com.
