Q: My husband and I are in quite a tiff. A woman had left a very specific message with some instructions for someone she knew, but not us, on our answering machine. Since it was not for us, I called back to let the woman know that her message had not reached the intended ears. My husband said I was being a busybody, but the woman was so appreciative I called. Was I correct in letting this woman know that her message was misdirected?
A: While you are never under any obligation to return telemarketing telephone calls, a misdirected message is a different story. It was both courteous and civil of you to let the woman know her message did not reach the intended recipient. Do let your husband know that rerouting telephone calls is kind; rerouting mail that was delivered to the wrong home is his legal obligation.
Q: There is a vendor who loves to "work the room" whenever he comes in to my work on a sales call. He is a nice-enough guy; he brings us lots of samples and treats. Sometimes he is chatty much longer than I have time to speak. How can I keep him moving along without alienating him?
A: On the days when you do have time to talk, enjoy the witty repartee. For the days when you are in a crunch mode, you have options. The first is to be very honest. "Victor, I would love to chat, but I am under pressure to get this finished." If that does not move him along, move yourself. Stand as he approaches, exchange greetings and then walk with a purpose away, all the while smiling. Be sure to alternate your chat versus no-chat times so that your relationship stays positive.
Q: We have a family in our social circle where I enjoy both the husband and the wife. My husband cannot stand the wife. Since we have been to their home twice, it really is our turn to reciprocate. After much negotiating, my husband conceded to having them over, providing we invite another couple, as well. I have already invited everyone, but my conscience is telling me I should tell the couples that others are invited. Now, do I need to tell either or both of the other couples that the other is also going to attend?
A: Ah, this is part of a trickier party protocol. Had the dinner been presented as a party, then your guests would know others were attending. Even if you presented the gathering as a dinner party, your guests would not be surprised to see others arriving, too.
In general, unless you know your guests are going to be thrilled, you should avoid any big surprises that may make the evening uncomfortable. So, for your situation, with the both couples invited, I recommend you engage in a pre-emptive strike.
A day or two before the dinner, place a reminder call to say, "Gabi, can't wait to see you and Carlos on Friday. The Chens will be joining us, too; it is going to be such fun." Next, call the other couple to leave a message with the same information. No surprises will make for a smoother dinner.
Q: My mother, who does work full time, has taken to calling me at my office to hash through family squabbles. I work in an open office environment. Not only are the calls keeping me from my work, but they are also a bit embarrassing. I want to speak with my mom, just not when I am at work. I answer the calls because my grandmother is getting older and frailer, and I worry that something may be really wrong back home.
A: After work or over the weekend, you need to call your mom.
Let her know that you love her and you love speaking with her. Then make it clear that when you are at work, calls should be emergency only. Something such as, "Mom, I love being able to chat with you, but when I am at work everyone can hear what I am saying, and that it is a personal call. If you want to leave me a message, call my cell, and I will call you back when I can. Please only call the office number if something is really wrong. OK?"
If she forgets and calls you at work, simply tell her you will call her as soon as you are home.
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Jodi R.R. Smith is a nationally known etiquette expert and author. She is the president of Mannersmith Etiquette Consulting. You are invited to e-mail her your etiquette emergencies at Salem@Mannersmith.com.
