Nancy Kerins keeps a blog called "Nancy Getting Healthy" at the Salem Hospital website, in which she details her ongoing struggles with eating. Kerins had lap band surgery on Nov. 1, 2010, to restrict her intake of food. The complete blog is available by clicking on "Meet Our Patients" at www.nsmcweightloss.org,
"On Saturday, the scale said 273.8. I was so thrilled. I had been at that weight for a couple of days. Today, the scale said 277.6. Mondays are my 'official' weekly weigh-in day. It's the only day that I record the number.
"What happened between Saturday and this morning? I ate like crap! Why can't I just eat healthy??? Why do I do this to myself. I'm just aggravated at myself as I could have made different choices.
"I'm going to try not to beat myself up too much since I can't change the past. I'm going to try to learn from this. Right now though, I just want to cry.
"I did not track my food all week last week though, so I'm tracking again starting today."
"We talked a lot about how I define myself and how that is adding to my weight loss issues. When you think of yourself, What are you? When I think of myself, I am a fat person. I have been a fat person for 26 years. My biggest focus for 26 years has been how not to be fat.
"Even though my focus has been on how not to be fat, being fat has become who I am. So if I lose weight, who will I become?
"My therapist reminded me that I am a mother, a daughter, a sister, a wife, a patient safety specialist, etc. I am so much more than just a fat person. Why can't I see myself that way?
"I sometimes I think part of the problem is I don't have any hobbies. My husband plays pinball, poker, PlayStation, squash, etc. My interests seem to involve movies and watching TV. I do enjoy going to the gym though, and in the summer, I love going to the beach or the pool. I have tried to find other interests or hobbies, but nothing seems to stick.
"Either way, I need to work on seeing me in different ways."