The Mannersmith
Q: At the grocery store, I got in line behind a man who had used one of the portable scanners. All of his groceries are already bagged and in his cart. The belt is empty. The man hands his scanner to the cashier, and I start putting my groceries on the belt. In my mind, it was quite obvious that the man had all of his products — but not to the cashier — as she rang up my broccoli. I quickly corrected the situation, and the guy says under his breath something like "stupid, can't even wait," referring to me hastily unloading my cart. I ignore it and continue to unload my groceries. He wraps up his order, pays and says to the cashier, "Thanks, it was nice to see you, Claire." Then he walks away, turns back to me and calls me an idiot. I said, "Excuse me?" Then, the guy turns around and calls me a word I cannot put in print. I couldn't believe it. The place was mobbed, people, including children, all over. No one said anything, and I refrained from yelling and throwing things. I'm curious. What would you have done?
A: I would have looked at Claire, rolled my eyes and asked if he was always that grumpy. This is a clear example of someone who is not playing with a full deck. If he was upset with anyone, it should be Claire. She could see his groceries were already bagged. Why would he have scanned and bagged everything except the broccoli? Additionally, he clearly lacks impulse control since he felt the need to use X-rated language in a G-rated situation. If I felt unsafe, I would have asked Claire to buzz for the manager and detailed the situation. This way, if the man did anything more than use foul language, there would be a record of his unstable behavior. As difficult as it may be, with encounters like this, you need to shake it off and just go on with your day.
Q: My pet peeve is when someone sends me an e-mail saying something along the lines of "Just read the Jones report, call me." Is it such a stretch for them to pick their fingers up off the keyboard to dial the phone?
A: It is a power struggle at best and simply passive-aggressive at worst to e-mail someone asking them to call you, unless the someone is your boss, your client or your mother. If you are the subordinate, service provider or dutiful child, then you are obligated to make the call. If, however, you are not, then you have the choice to play the game or address the issue. To play the game politely, e-mail back, "I would be happy to speak with you, please call me at 3," and include your number.
To address the issue, find time to have a face-to-face meeting and explain, "It makes me bonkers when you e-mail asking me to call. Going forward, if you want to speak, just pick up the phone and give me a call."
Q: We have a carpool worked out for after-school activities. One of the dads picks up from school and takes the kids to the club, I pick up afterward and take the kids home. Sunday night, one of the moms called me from her cell phone to ask me a question. I could hear noises in the back, and I asked where she was calling from. She said Nevada. I mentioned something about enjoying time away from the kids and she said, "Oh no, we decided to make a vacation of my business trip." I then said, "So I guess we are not carpooling this week." We both laughed and finished the conversation. After I hung up, I realized that if she had not called and if I had not asked, my kid would have been standing there after school waiting for a carpool that would not have arrived. I have rearranged my schedule to do the pickups, but shouldn't they have called me to say they were going away?
A: The short answer is "yes." In the excitement of vacation, we have all forgotten to do something. (Is the oven off? The front door locked? The mail stopped?) The chances of this being a malicious slight are slim. Fortunately, you found out in advance and no one was left waiting in the cold. And, on the positive side, this is a great opportunity to speak with your child about what to do when pickup does not go as planned. Role-play different situations and how to handle them. Make sure the school and your child has a list of emergency contact numbers. Discuss exactly what you would want your child to do if his/her after-school ride was a no-show.
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Jodi R.R. Smith is a nationally known etiquette expert and author. She is the president of Mannersmith Etiquette Consulting. You are invited to e-mail her your etiquette emergencies at Salem@Mannersmith.com.
