The Mannersmith
Q: I have young kids, 2 and 4, and am pregnant with our third. We are going to my family's house for Thanksgiving. My mom is rather particular about having a formal dinner. Last year, she disciplined my son (he was 3) and gave me the hairy eyeball because he was squirming in his chair 45 minutes into the meal. I am already stressed about what she is going to say or do this year. My kids are little; they can sit nicely for 20, sometimes 30, minutes, but they cannot make it through a two-hour, adult-conversation meal. Short of creating a scene, what can I do?
A: Your best bet is to speak with your mother in advance. Heap on the praise, let her know how excited you are to be spending Thanksgiving together, how much you appreciate all the time and effort that goes into planning a big meal, and how you know she wants everything to go well. Let her know that your kids can sit for 20 to 30 minutes and then should be excused from the table. Ask if she wants them to start the meal together and then play quietly, or if they should play quietly first and then join in while the meal is in progress.
The idea here is to give her a choice that you can live with. By speaking with her in advance, you ensure that she will not be surprised by your children's absence from the table. And by giving her a choice, she will feel that she has had some sort of say in the decision. Do be sure to bring plenty of appropriate "quiet play" toys for your children so when they are not at your mother's table, they are behaving themselves.
Q: Every year at Thanksgiving, my sister-in-law decrees who will be giving Christmas gifts to whom and tells us how much we should spend. This worked well when no one had kids — there were 10 adults and everyone bought one person a gift. Now all of the adult children have children, and we are looking at 19 people ranging in age from 6 months to 71 years old. It has become unwieldy. And my husband was laid off in February and is still looking for a job. He says we should just go along and put everything on our credit cards. I don't think that is a good solution. What are my options?
A: You have plenty of options; some you may like, some your husband may prefer. After reading these, the two of you may have another idea altogether.
First, you can just go along, not say anything and go into debt. (An option I wholeheartedly discourage!) Second, you can just go along, not say anything and shop very carefully to find really good bargains that are within your budget. Third, you can have your husband speak with his sister to let her know that your budget is very tight this year. Then see what she says.
Fourth, you can have your husband speak with his sister to ask for a different system this year. For example, each family/couple would be assigned another family/couple to give a group gift. Or, only children under the age of 21 will be included in the gift swap and the adult children will go in on a group gift for your in-laws. Or this year everyone gives homemade gifts only.
Just remember not to spring any changes on your sister at Thanksgiving; try to have your husband speak with her quietly in advance.
Q: At my annual office holiday party, there is mistletoe. Back in the roaring '90s, the parties were fabulous affairs and all employees were invited with a guest. Now the budget has been scaled back, and only employees are invited. Yet they still are hanging mistletoe. Last year, one of the young associates was a bit too tipsy and planted herself under the mistletoe and was jumping on everyone who walked anywhere near her for a kiss. Of course, with the proliferation of cameras in cell phones, there were the pictures to prove it. This year, again the company will be inviting only employees. I have considered skipping the party altogether this year, but know that it is important for me to make a showing. How do I avoid this young lady?
A: Where to start? First, you might consider popping into your company's HR department and share the story about last year's party. By hanging mistletoe, the company is opening itself up to a whole host of issues and potential harassment suits. Second, if the young lady is still there, encourage her manager to speak with her about keeping the drinking to a minimum to avoid embarrassing situations. Third, if they decide to keep the mistletoe in the party decoration, go early and leave early.
¢¢¢
Jodi R.R. Smith is a nationally known etiquette expert and author. She is the president of Mannersmith Etiquette Consulting. You are invited to e-mail her your etiquette emergencies at Salem@Mannersmith.com.
