Q: My friends are planning a girls weekend as a bachelorette party for a wedding where I will be an attendant. It is already starting to sound very expensive, and they have not even begun to take into account that we need to cover the costs for the bride, too. I am still paying my student loans and I teach elementary school, so I am not exactly rolling in dough. I really want to be part of the excitement but can't afford the trip. I don't want to ruin everyone's good time. How can I politely suggest something more budget-friendly?
A: If you do not feel comfortable saying something in front of the group, choose one of the other attendants to pull aside, and express your concerns. "Dory, I love the idea of going to Vegas, but you all work in big, fancy jobs and I teach second grade in the inner city. I just can't do Vegas, but I could swing Atlantic City. I would hate to miss the bachelorette party ..." Then see what she says. It will be up to the group to decide if the destination is more important than the friendships. Fingers crossed that they will see their way to being more inclusive. No matter what happens, you should avoid going into debt for a bachelorette party!
Q: I have a neighbor who is smart, able-bodied and active. She works, travels and has tons of friends. She is married and has children a few years younger than mine. We are more acquaintances than friends. She is very needy in odd ways. For example, if she does not know a restaurant's phone number, instead of looking it up, she will call me. In the time it took her to call me so I could find the number for her, she could have looked it up herself. Or another time, her printer was not working, so she e-mailed me a document and then called to ask that I print it out and walk it over to her (one of her kids was napping). I feel like her assistant instead of a friend. How can I change this dynamic?
A: As far as your neighbor is concerned, this dynamic is just fine. She snaps her fingers, and you jump. If you do not want to be her assistant, stop jumping to her aid. For example, when she calls you for a number, the calm yet assertive reply is, "Oh, that is a good restaurant. You know, I don't have the number memorized, and my computer is off. But I am sure you can Google it or just call 411. Do let me know what you think of your meal."
With the printer, of course you want to help her out if it is only a once-in-a-long-while occasion. "I am in the middle of something right now and can't print anything. But if it can wait, I can do it around 7 tonight. I will put in it my mailbox and you can swing by to pick it up. Does that help?" When she calls again, be pleasant, but do not rush to fix her every imagined crisis and you will find that she will seek out a new assistant.
Q: My boss knows I am on the road most of the day. She calls my office voice mail and leaves me long messages about assignments and clients. If she called my cell, we could resolve many of the issues right then and there. On the off chance that I do manage to catch a call, she is surprised and hustles me off the phone. I am thinking of getting that forwarding option so that all calls go to my cell, but I could see her leaving notes on my desk instead! How do I get my boss to interact with me instead of avoid me?
A: I am guessing there is a bigger issue here. Either your boss is just trying to get things off her desk as quickly as possible, or she prefers not to speak with you. Or possibly a little of both. Either way, I do believe this warrants a face-to-face discussion. Ask your boss for some time on her calendar. When the meeting arrives, position your issue as a question. "Boss, I love my job and I truly enjoy working with you. I have noticed that you tend to leave voice mails for me. Is there a reason you prefer to leave voice mails rather than call my cell?" Listen, really listen, to the answer.
Open up the dialogue to find a communication avenue that will work for both of you. "I am finding the voice mails stressful since I only check my voice mail once a day and I hate to think you are waiting for my reply. Can we brainstorm other ways for us to connect?" Then generate some other ideas, such as a daily phone call, a running e-mail stream of priorities or even the understanding that the voice mails will be answered only once a day. Bosses with different communication styles can be difficult; remember to be nonemotional and as diplomatic as possible.
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Jodi R.R. Smith is a nationally known etiquette expert and author. She is president of Mannersmith Etiquette Consulting. You are invited to e-mail her your etiquette emergencies at Salem@Mannersmith.com.
