She remembers leaving the hospital with empty arms and spotting a balloon for another patient that read, "It's a girl," and it made her crumble.
Nothing could have prepared McStay and her husband, Steven, for delivering a stillborn baby three years ago. To cope, they relied on time and a support group at the North Shore Medical Center, which is where Shari McStay formed a close friendship with two other women who had lost their babies. Together, they found a mission.
"I had said then, from my bed at Salem Hospital, that I had to do something someday to help other people to give (my loss) a purpose," McStay said.
This Saturday, for the second year in row, the three friends, Shari McStay of Danvers, Stacey Blaisdell of Salem and Maria Morong of Wakefield, are organizing the Walk to Remember at the Breakheart Reservation in Saugus, a time for couples to memorialize their infants, lost to stillbirth, miscarriage and early infant death.
"When you lose a baby, you have so little from them, maybe a lock of hair or a footprint," McStay said. "We all hold onto those things. The walk gives us something else."
The women have spent months organizing the walk, which will be preceded by a ceremony at 10 a.m. with poems and music. A couple from Salem will read all the babies' names aloud.
"At first, you are just so overwhelmed by how terrible and traumatic the loss is," said Blaisdell, who lost triplets, named Annabel, Abigail and Aaron, three years ago. "But life does go on. And now Shari and I can kind of give help to those whose grief is fresh."
Last year, 300 couples turned out for the Walk to Remember, to mourn the loss of 88 babies.
Too small to help
Blaisdell, now 31, was four and a half months pregnant with her triplets when she suffered a placental abruption and went into labor. She went to Beverly Hospital and was transferred to Beth Israel Hospital in Boston, where she delivered the triplets. They lived for only a few minutes.
"They were too small for medical intervention," Blaisdell said. "I think people don't realize you still have to deliver. I had to get an epidural and everything."
She and her husband, Marc, have since had two children, Noah, 2, and Chloe, 4 months.
McStay, now 41, was in her third trimester of pregnancy when she noticed her baby wasn't moving as much. She went to the hospital, where an in-depth ultrasound was scheduled. By then, Julia Grace was gone.
"I could see the screen and I asked the technician if there were a heartbeat, and she didn't want to say anything and I knew," McStay said. "The following morning, I went to deliver her."
The McStay family planted a memorial tree and garden in their backyard on Calumet Road in Danvers and embedded a small plaque in the ground. McStay has since given birth to fraternal twins, Luke and Drew, who are 21 months old.
"We will never forget the babies we lost, but (the recent births) definitely brought new joy," McStay said. "We still talk about Julia. She is part of our family."
Haley McStay, 7, made a wooden memory box for her little sister, which she painted and uses to store angel pins in honor of Julia. Jake McStay, 8, talks about Julia with his friends and includes her in projects about his family at the Smith School, where he is a second-grader.
Touching many
Infant loss can be a taboo topic, but the Walk to Remember highlights how common it is, the women said.
"If you go into Hallmark, there are more cards for, 'Sorry your dog died,' than for, 'Sorry your baby died,'" said Blaisdell, a special education teacher at Gloucester High School. "I think society doesn't really see a baby until it's born, but from the minute it's inside of you, there's a connection and you are planning a future."
"People asked me if I bumped myself or if I fell," McStay said. "People don't seem to understand it can still happen to people who live healthy and eat healthy."
Blaisdell, who lives on Adams Street in Salem, made a scrapbook for her triplets and fashioned collages from all the sympathy cards. McStay keeps a memory box with cards, Julia's footprints, a little knitted hat she wore at the hospital and even photos.
"In the beginning you get very angry. (You say), 'Why did this happen to me?'" Blaisdell said. "But you can't stay angry forever. You've got to let it go."
"You definitely do the 'what ifs,'" McStay said. "But you can't get a redo."
At the Walk to Remember, everyone will receive a small ribbon, which is blue and pink with little white feet in the center. McStay wore one pinned to her shirt during an interview at her house earlier this week.
"It is a very solemn day, but I think people feel comforted to be around other people who have experienced it," she said. "It gives us a sense of peace."
READER BOX
Walk to Remember
Date: Saturday
Time: 10 a.m. memorial service, followed by a 1.9 mile walk
Place: Breakheart Reservation, 177 Forest St., Saugus
Cost: Registration is $15 per person, $25 per couple, children free. Money pays for T-shirts, with remainder going to SHARE, a group that supports those with early infant loss.
How to register: Visit www.mysite.verizon.net/walktoremember
* Adults receive a T-shift with registration and can pay $5 for a children's T-shirt
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