Most distraught brides discover Allison Moir-Smith after they Google two words: cold feet.
They call from Texas, California, London and New York looking for help from the Manchester-by-the-Sea therapist who specializes in counseling engaged women who fear they might be making the biggest mistake of their lives.
Some are disturbed by dreams of old boyfriends. Some become fixated on the fiancé's shortcomings — like bald spots and credit card debt. Some develop full-fledged panic attacks in the midst of choosing fonts for wedding invitations. Families from both sides are driving them nuts.
"The brides are frightened," Moir-Smith says, "because it's supposed to be the happiest time of their lives."
Moir-Smith endured her own "torturous" 111/2-month engagement after the man of her dreams popped the question. She was surprised, stunned actually, at how sad and confused she felt a few weeks later. She couldn't sleep. She felt guilty to be abandoning single friends and family. She would go "ballistic" if the caterer didn't call her back within 24 hours, preventing her from checking off another box on her master to-do list.
A bridezilla in the flesh.
On top of the emotional turmoil, Moir-Smith had to deal with her mother, who for four straight and painful months obsessed about the temperature of the lasagna that would be served at the rehearsal dinner.
But here's where Moir-Smith the psychotherapist trumped Moir-Smith the engaged train wreck. She knew she needed to breathe, to step back and analyze her feelings of fear and sadness. To, as she says, take herself on as a client.
In 2002, three months after her honeymoon, the Dartmouth College grad founded Emotionally Engaged Counseling for Brides. She later wrote the book "Emotionally Engaged, A Bride's Guide to Surviving the 'Happiest' Time of Her Life."
Her expertise has made her the media go-to person for stressed-out-bride stories. In 2005, when news broke that the now-infamous "Runaway Bride" faked her abduction to escape her wedding, Moir-Smith appeared on both the "Today" show and "Good Morning America."
"That was a good day for me," she says.
A few wedding reality shows have offered to fly her to L.A. to televise her advice, but she declined. "They want the crazy shrink, and I won't do it," she says.
All the counseling, about eight to 10 brides a week, is done via telephone. She charges $125 for a 50-minute session. A year ago, she moved to Manchester, where she lives with her husband, a psychotherapist, and two small children.
Her clients are always brides. Men, she says, tend to work through doubts before they buy the ring. Women torment themselves once they get it.
About 80 percent of the time, Moir-Smith says, the women she talks to are not about to marry the wrong man. It's about them — not him. The fears are a normal part of a grieving process that accompanies many of life's transitions. They are sad to be losing their identity as a daughter, a working woman, a single woman.
Some people might think a marriage is surely doomed if the bride needs counseling before the wedding. But Moir-Smith says more women would benefit from investing in self-scrutiny instead of agonizing over things like silly wedding favors. She likes to say she's in the "divorce-prevention business."
Sometimes, though, the marriage sounds like a big mistake. There is abuse, worries about his temper, a disclosure that the guy "drains them." A bride may confide that the fiancé is "a really good guy," but there's zilch chemistry.
"Some people are looking for someone to say it's OK to not get married," she says. She is the reality check.
To call off an engagement takes courage, no question about it. The experience can be excruciatingly painful. But Moir-Smith argues a divorce is much worse.
Still, some brides feel compelled to go through with it even though everything in their body is telling them not to.
"All the tears at weddings?" she says, "I'm not convinced they are always tears of joy."
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Staff writer Susan Flynn can be reached at 978-338-2658 or by e-mail at sflynn@salemnews.com
